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Suzanne from Reverence Farms and Howard from Faithfull Farms Farming

Back to basics and onward to the new agriculture

  • August 6, 2020August 6, 2020
  • by Suzanne Nelson Karreman

When we opened a cafe almost four years ago, it had a simple premise: real food belongs to real people. We still believe that. The economic reality of putting the kind of food that we eat at our own table on a table to share, and paying those serving it a living wage, in a rural county, was every bit as challenging as we imagined. We opted to close rather than compromise on our food or our labor values. Neither opening, nor closing, was a decision that we regret. We loved serving food that we believed in to our friends and neighbors — especially our fellow farmers, who appreciated the depth of care and mountains of logistical and regulatory obstacles that had to be navigated to provide it. 

The decision to close the brick-and-mortar retail farm store on Hwy 87 was a simpler one: we determined that utilizing the space for the duration of our cafe lease as a farm store still stretched us too thin, and it didn’t allow us to do what we most desired: welcome you to the farm, to partake in its beauty, and to share in its joys. Sometimes doing what is right and what makes sense requires us to give up some things, including a retail space and a commercial kitchen. It’s a bit awkward in the transition, but it’ll be worth it. Connecting people to their food so that all may prosper is our highest calling. We can’t do that honestly at any place other than the farm itself. 

A2 jersey grass-fed dairy cows grazing in field at sunset

Closing rather than compromise was the same premise, actually, that almost prevented me from farming commercially seven years before, when I brought my first two pigs to the processing plant, walked them into “the box” and watched them die in fear because the plant didn’t follow the procedures that were on the wall and for which they had third-party certifications. The horror I saw for the six sheep (not mine) that followed them is forever etched in my mind. I thought to myself, I don’t need a USDA stamp that badly that I’m willing to compromise who I am to these animals — I had nursed Mr. & Mrs. Pig back to health as piglets with hourly drenches of yogurt after they had fallen behind at another farm. Dying, like living, is an art to be done well.

pastured pigs in a homemade shelter from the elements
Mr. & Mrs. Pig, in a dry shelter during the winter months.

A meat-handler’s license was required only if I wanted to sell to the public. I had been homesteading and was happy to go back to it again. I was willing to trade scale for ethics, so that animals could die in peace, never knowing what was coming to, often with their head in their favorite snacks as I told them, “Thank you for your lives — the ground you walked on will be forever altered for your having lived. Go in peace, back into the peace from which you came.”

But callings have a way of calling you, whether you agree to the fine print, or not. I was able to find two plants that handled the slaughter portion of the processing with the respect with which I had raised the animals. (We use those two plants to this day, driving an extra distance. That said, God willing and the creek don’t rise, we will be able to have the animals die on the farm under USDA inspection within the next couple of years. No animal should have to leave home in a trailer to give it all.)

When I started using managed grazing to feed my first cow, Greeley, I realized that agriculture could be a regenerative act. Freely, this revelation of beauty and truth was given to me, and freely I wanted to share it. It’s not enough for me to eat well and for my backyard to be bountiful. Malnutrition — and its corollary, obesity, the same problem just with an abundance of calories — anywhere is a threat to nourishment everywhere.

Yet, how does one market food without parallel in a marketplace that values sameness? Where is the sweet spot so that the people raising the food can also afford to purchase it? These are big questions.

I’ve spent more than a decade trying to answer them. We haven’t totally cracked the nut yet, but we are getting closer. 

baby Ossabaw piglet. pastured pigs
Ossabaw piglets. These guys are actually 1/4 Pot-bellies, because some wondering boars bred their purebred Ossabaw grandmothers. This generation is starting to look more Ossabaw.

How do we reach people in a distracted, glossy, convenience-obsessed culture? How do we meet people where they are, when many don’t even know that the predominant food culture is actually killing them slowly?

The cafe’s premise was that we could cook it for them. Never cooked a pork shank at home? No problem! You can still enjoy eating it, or so the idea went. We closed the cafe right before Covid-19. What already had made itself manifest to me from a marketing perspective, the pandemic has laid bare: people can only afford to choose one “luxury”: food without comprise or “food” someone prepares for you. Convenience almost always wins. Many can now choose neither. There’s precious little overlap, and we salute those food business who are doing it well.

Living in the tension between three things we were unwilling to compromise about — how food was raised, how food was prepared, and how people are paid — was not sustainable for us as a farm, which was and will always be, our first love. We were trying to both farm and cook without compromise. Doing one alone is difficult enough. 

What is rejuvenating is checking our very pregnant Jersey, Tulip 715, before the sun came up the other morning (every day we think that baby is going to be here!), after prayerfully and tearfully saying goodbye to four fat, healthy Red Devons, long before sunup, that had arrived a couple of years ago needing some TLC. They wouldn’t have all survived the feedlot, where they were otherwise headed. (We had to treat a few of them for minor issues that wouldn’t have been minor in that environment.) They shined up and shined on and left the soil better than they found it. They will go on to nourish people, a worthy calling.

Bulls and steers grazing. New Zealand Red Devon and South Poll steers, Jersey bulls.
A New Zealand Red Devon looks at the camera while a Jersey bull (Lester-PP) and a South Poll steer grab some breakfast before a hot summer day in the shade.

The highest honor you could give them, from my perspective, is to buy their meat by the quarter or eighth, cook it for your family, your neighbors and someone in need, and then bring the bones back to our compost pile (1568 Haw Ranch Rd., find the white “compost here” sign near the big pile by the barn), and complete the cycle for the soil. Seeing the bones from Left Bank Butchery and the scraps from the Saxapahaw General Store on our compost piles always makes my soul smile. This is how I want to relate to my community. 

hiking and road map of Reverence Farms
This map adorns the farm entrance at 1568 Haw Ranch Rd, just 1/2 mile up the road from Saxapahaw proper, and across from Haw Village. The farm hugs 1 mile of the Haw River.

Want to know a little secret? Part of the reason I wanted to own a cafe is so that I could own the waste stream… true story. What happens at restaurants is that same thing that happens in most homes: organic material, meant to nourish the very earth that sacrificially produced it, by hands and bodies that bleed and sweat and toiled for it, is instead thrown into a landfill to putrefy and create a liability for everyone (air pollution) where an opportunity once beckoned (creating top soil that sustains all of us).

We are what we do with what we throw away. There is no “away.” If we are willing, what we consume and what we discard can all be done reverently, and in the Great Economy of our Creator it is all increased in the giving. Compost applied to the land continues to capture carbon from the atmosphere many years after application, and in an exponential way. That’s grace. Let’s start participating in that economy, together.

Thank you for coming along for the ride. In the meantime, stay tuned. A new agriculture is emerging, and it’s going to be wild and delicious and nourishing and reverent. We will see you on the farm.

Howard Allen of Faithfull Farms, who also happens to have been the first chef at the cafe, came to the farm the other morning to look at the transformation of the soil from a barren wasteland a few years ago to a verdant eden today. He brought me a bounty from his intensely productive farm, including this amazing celery — that tastes like, celery… Celery is supposed to have a taste! We talked about how we are going into a new agriculture and his prayer is that we go willingly. The new agriculture is going to be collaborative, restorative and full of grace and truth. Willing or not, we are going, because the old isn’t serving.
Beautiful afternoon by the pond at Reverence Farms in Saxapahaw NC On living well

First, do no harm.

  • June 6, 2020June 6, 2020
  • by Suzanne Nelson Karreman

First, do no harm. It’s the hippocratic oath, and it’s also the underling organizational principle of civil society. Fifteen years ago, I decided to largely check out of civilized society and learn to raise my own food because I no longer believed that chipping away at what I saw as some of our cultural fallacies was likely to un-pollute the pond fast enough to preserve my own sanity. 

In the process of creating food worth feeding myself, I realized that if we were going to live in a just and fair society, it was going to have to start with real nourishment. It’s much easier to have civil discourse with one’s neighbor when one’s head isn’t clouded with mind-bending chemicals that now constitute what we call “food.” It’s much easier to have empathy for another if our hearts aren’t laden with what we suspect, deep-down, is meaningless work to fund the purchase of disposable goods that fail to fill the emptiness in our souls and instead we merely fill the landfill.

We long for a life of true connection, purpose and the peace that comes from knowing that we are part of something beautifully and incomprehensibly larger than ourselves. What we create to protect ourselves in the absence of that intimate knowing of the truth of our calling is callousness — literally a repetitive, painless wound to render us incapable of feeling pain, temperature or pressure.

Yet the pressure and pain were building anyway, despite the temporary and artificial removal of our ability to feel and perceive it. In the process, we created the “other” — “them” — not recognizing that I can’t truly be safe and free unless you are also truly, safe and free.

The repetitive injuries, insults to personhood and dignity and affronts to what is holy didn’t stop. The explosion of pain breaking forth now has forced us to reckon with what we wanted to pretend we didn’t see coming. And so here we are now, raw, hurting, and overwhelmed.

But, deep down, we knew. We knew we were living a lie. No serious person with intellectual honesty could argue that we were all given the same starting blocks. Yet our country is founded on the notion that we all have access to the same “life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.” Hypocrisy invariably leads to violence, spiritual death or both.

There are only three ways to reconcile that fundamental disconnect that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is actually a tiered system: convince yourself that you are inherently more worthy than an “other” (or its depressing inverse, believe yourself to be inherently unworthy); insulate yourself from that sickening dichotomy with entertainment and material goods that allow you to pretend nothing remarkable is happening; or work to change it.

We were all created for joy, which is many orders above mere happiness. Anything less than joy is a perversion. And contrary to our cultural understanding of it, work isn’t the curse for misbehaving in the original garden. In fact, in the Hebrew word “ָבַד – avodah,” we find that “work,” “worship” and “serve” are used interchangeably in the Old Testament 289 times. Work as worship is part of who we are.

I imagined that life on a farm would bring me into connectiveness, intimacy and a visceral understanding of what is real and give me the discernment and courage to discard the rest. It succeeded beyond my wildest imaginings. Farming is a great leveler, much in the same way that I imagine that war is. There are so many times when you feel at the very edge (or, sometimes, even over the edge) of what is physically possible, mentally tolerable and emotionally sustainable that you know when you look someone else in the eyes who has walked through it that you are kin.

Please don’t hear what I am not saying. I am not saying that my experience as a white, well-resourced Yankee woman in the South new to farming is the same experience as my black farmer friends. It’s not. What I am saying is that it brought us into real relationship in a way that we may not have been otherwise. I am sure I’ve said ignorant, callous or hurtful things without meaning to, not seeing the challenges that my black and brown brothers and sisters faced over and above the nearly impossible feat of farming itself. Maybe I’ve done so just now. Please forgive me.

For years, I would only speak of these inequities among certain friends and family members. For the rest, I begrudgingly accepted the ignorance and quiet and not-so-quiet hate, only speaking up if it was really egregious, even though it ate at my soul. Please forgive me. Thank you for bearing the danger of coming out now so that I, too, could be free of the anguish that I made myself complicit in with silence.

What I most desire now is to break bread and together create a food system of honest reckoning that allows everyone to feel, share and experience the triumph that comes from knowing the land and bearing the labor pains of its fruit. And to lessen the toxic burdens on all of our brothers and sisters. Because what we eat, and how we go about feeding ourselves and our neighbors, is the basic foundational block of how we relate to one another, if for no other reason that the sheer volume of the activity. If we are blessed to do so, we eat three times per day. And that means whether our choices are creating beauty or causing harm to ourselves and others works like compounding interest.

Real food, and real nourishment, belongs to all people. And in a miraculous transformation of our consumer paradigm of scarcity, the more we participate and buy into a system of real food, the more easily accessible it is for others. Our participation encourages others to join, and in the process, more of the community is nourished in ways far beyond the plate.


Grazing Jersey cows at Reverence Farms in Saxapahaw NC Farming

Real food doesn’t scale quickly

  • May 30, 2020May 30, 2020
  • by Suzanne Nelson Karreman

(or, why you can’t have all the milk you want)

You are literally beating down our doors for milk. In the past week, it seems that we have done little else at our humble farm store on highway 87 except answer your increasingly desperate requests for us to save you milk. I’m not exaggerating. The entire work week of two people has been filled with calls, emails and visits trying to procure raw pet milk. What is going on? I suspect it has something to do with word getting out that the lactoferrin in milk has been shown to be an effective immuno-stimulant and perhaps people think it could prevent Fido from getting Covid-19.

This isn’t news. The idea that pasteurizing milk denatures proteins, degrades vitamins and destroys immunoglobulins has been around for quite a while. Fear of pathogens caused raw milk to live in the shadows for a long time, something I started writing about in 2007. Now, greater fears of a virus are causing fears of pathogens to pale in comparison. Everyone wants raw milk. (And just to be clear, we will NOT sell it to you for you to consume. It is illegal in the state of North Carolina to sell raw milk for human consumption, and says so in quite big letters on our bottles.)

Nothing about raw milk’s health properties have changed. Nothing about our generalized state of ill-health in this country has changed, except maybe gotten worse. Yet now, everyone it seems, is waking up all at once. Or at least that how it feels at the farm store. I’m here to tell you that we can’t possibly sell all of you pet milk. And we are actively trying to figure out the best way for us, and the fairest way for you, to distribute it. Please bear with us.

For those who have been buying our milk and meat for years, we recognize and appreciate you. And for those new to the table, welcome. One of my favorite parables in the Bible is about the workers in the vineyard, and the vineyard owner chooses to give the workers who came late in the day the same wages as those who came early. When the workers who came early grumbled, the landlord said, you agreed to work the day for a denarius, and that is what I gave you, adding: “Why should my generosity make you jealous of them?” I understand that the parable doesn’t translate fully here, because now that so many are coming to get pet milk, those who have faithfully been making the trek for this milk for years are finding themselves in a pinch. We understand. And we are doing our best, and we will have the fairest solution we can as soon as we can. But I think some context is important here.

When I first started farming, I was an evangelist. Disinterested parties were forced out of social convention or literally by being trapped with me at a table at a dinner party to hear endless monologues on how Cows Save the Planet, and other tales… “two chickens in every yard reduces landfill waste by 25 percent and ends factory egg production tomorrow; the byproduct of bacon should be restored landscapes; real food is our first medicine and what passes as food in our culture is actually killing us; we are literally consuming the story of everything we eat, spiritually, physically and aesthetically” … All true, all irrelevant in a country awash in its own prosperity, convenience and entitlement.

About a decade ago, I realized that certain individuals may be ready for the gospel of soil, but the world certainly wasn’t, and I had sufficiently distilled complex concepts into my own consciousness to no longer need to discuss them. Living it was so much more peaceful. And it was peace that I fervently sought, and still find in cows using their tongues en masse to rip grass a perfect 4″ from the ground. I was content to quietly toil away at my vision for how we could instead live in abundance with the simple decision to eat well. So I built fences, moved cows, ate like a queen, collapsed in bed, repeat.

The notion of blood, sweat and tears shed for a dream has been bantered about many times more than I suspect than they’ve actually been poured out. I’ve had the distinct privilege to see them pour on the earth, more often than not from my own flesh, sometimes all at the same time. A worthy sacrifice.

Real food belongs to everyday people. It’s not for special people, or rich people or enlightened people or the culinary elite.

One day, I thought. One blessed day, my rag-tag band of other people’s worn-out bovines, through selective breeding and a heaping measure of grace, would have milking daughters capable of eating only forage and be able to feed their calves, put milk in the bucket and have sufficient energy left to breed back and do it all again. (If you want to learn about service, talk to a cow, who spends her entire adult life either pregnant or milking, and 80 percent of the time doing both concurrently.)

Of course, the worn-out land — tired from a century and a half of cotton, tobacco and continuous grazing by cattle — would need to be improved too, and it was, by the hard work of those cows, constantly just getting by with minerals and energy from a bag instead of from the plants that should have been getting it from the soil. (In that time, the farm moved twice, once by expansion, once by force. Repeat work of regeneration, times three.)

Their daughters did better in part because they were bred to be better equipped for a life outside — more anatomically able to eat a high-fiber, low-starch diet of grass — instead of having ground-up candy, stale bread and pig blood fed to them in a bunk feeder in confinement (true story, this is what milk in the grocery store is made of), which is what their grandmothers were bred to do. (My energy source to keep these cows alive while we together pursued the dream was beet pulp [almost certainly GMO], organic flax oil [which I bought in 50-gal drums and stored in a friend’s walk-in cooler 10 miles away] poured on alfalfa pellets, and for cows that really needed it, organic grain. I was not willing to sacrifice my cow’s ability to survive on the alter of a religious conviction that cows weren’t meant to eat corn — which they aren’t — but those cows had been bred to do just that, and they had to get energy from somewhere.)

The land was actually improving with the daily labor of these cattle, and my daily labor of moving them with portable electric fencing to imitate the herd effect of roaming bison on the prairie. The land was starting to provide more than just the bulk of their diets, but now also the living nutrition they needed to thrive.

My dream was that by the time I had a herd of cows who could do what they were created to do — turn sunshine into butter — enough people would emerge who were willing to go out of their way for it and pay what it was worth.

I didn’t even really care at that time if my original investment was paid back, or the innovation rewarded, or anything that our economic model does to recognize entrepreneurs was given its due recompense. (Cows have a long return on investment: 5-8 years, and every year you expand the herd — read: every year since we’ve been farming — the ROI is kicked down the road.) I just wanted to make enough money to keep doing it, because it was the only thing I knew how to do to make the world more beautiful. And it’s how I wanted to live.

Real food belongs to everyday people. It’s not for special people, or rich people or enlightened people or the culinary elite. So much does my family believe in this principle, we dedicated a restaurant to it. We closed after three years when we realized that we couldn’t prepare food at a price people in our community can afford without compromising our food values or exploiting our workforce, or some combination of both. Unwilling to do either, we opted instead to focus with laser-like intensity on our unique ability: producing A2A2, 100% grass-fed milk from Jersey cows without compromise, and tending to the ecologically compatible enterprises that surround them: laying hens to scratch through the cow pies, pigs to dig in the dirt and massage the land back to health, and sheep to mow the grass that isn’t as tender as the cows prefer.

If you want to buy milk, we need you to also buy beef. And pork, and eggs and stew hens and lamb. It’s all part of it. They are all part of the ecological symphony that allows us to produce milk without compromise.

Without compromise means that means every calf born on our farm gets a mama — her, or even his, own. (Bull calves are dispensed with quickly in the commercial dairy industry and even on the vast majority of small, pastured dairies because they take the precious milk that is rightfully theirs, and our culture’s treatment of milk as a commodity doesn’t allow farmers to make an honest living.) Following that biological and moral imperative that milk belongs first to baby calves means that we collect a lot less milk out of every cow. Combined with the fact that our cows aren’t pushed with starch, it means even less milk.

Baby Dub (a first calf heifer out of our cow, Dub) and her son, James Bond (007 will be his number, as he’s the seventh calf born in a year ending in a zero).

We get, on average, about 1.5 gallons per cow per day over the course of their lactations, and the rest goes to their calves, who get their mamas 24/7 for the first six weeks (and they are small enough to leave some milk for us for the first four), and then from 9a to 5p every day until weaning, which for the heifers is at 10 months, and the bull calves at 6 months. (At that age, the young bulls can start breeding their sisters and need to graduate to the bull herd.) Commercial calves are usually fed milk replacer and weaned at eight weeks.

The milking herd on pasture with the calves, yearling heifers and 2-yo “springing” heifers.

We are milking about 20 cows right now, and getting about 17 gallons per day, because most of the milk herd are in the tail ends of their lactations. In August we will dry off about 2/3 of those 20, and in late September and October, we will calve in about 20 cows and be milking 30. So, maybe 25 gallons of milk a day in October and November. Keep in mind, it’ll dry up to almost nothing in August, as the hot weather makes cows not want to eat much and 2/3 of the milking herd will be resting from the parlor while they finish growing the calves in their bellies.

Seventeen gallons a day. That’s with the work of, on average, about three highly skilled people per day. Granted, the work of those three people (some days it’s four or five) also covers the bull and Devon steer herd, the dry cow and Devon heifer herd. And granted, the work of those people, and the equipment, feed and supplies involved, is also spread out among 40 one-to-two-year-old heifers that will join the milk herd in the next couple of years. They shine like new pennies, and represent 4-5 generations into the dream. (Remember about that 5-8 year return on investment on cows. These 40 heifers will finish repaying our investment in them and start making money for the farm starting in about 2025.)

We also have other enterprises that spread out those costs. Which is kind of the point of this article:

If you want to buy milk, we need you to also buy beef. And pork, and eggs and stew hens and lamb. It’s all part of it. Those enterprises pay the bills while we are growing the next generation of milk cows.

More importantly, they are all part of the ecological symphony that allows us to produce milk without compromise. Even veal is part of it. Yes, the beef from a young dairy animal, still drinking milk. I know that may offend some, but the alternative is that those bull calves are sold down the proverbial river in a supply chain that cares nothing for their bellowing for their mamas, nor their mamas’ even more heart-wrenching bellowing for them.

Why can’t the boys just be allowed grow up to maturity, you say? Some are, and they sold to other dairies as breeding bulls. The rest would be steers, and dairy steers take an additional 1-1.5 YEARS to get fat compared to a beef steer, and produce 30 percent less ground beef. (Translated: beef at least 30% more expensive.) Their mama’s were bred to make milk and not put flesh on their bones, and their sons come with the same genetic ability, albeit without udders. Their calories don’t just magically appear on their ribs when their mother’s have been bred to put it in the tank.

Can’t afford our meat, you say? Understandable. The predicament we find ourselves in is both wide and deep. For the past half century we have collectively sent almost all of our dollars outside of our communities via entertainment, convenience foods, and disposable goods and unwittingly filled the silk-lined pockets of people and corporations that have no vested interest in the welfare of the communities where we live. This isn’t a political statement. This is a a fact. Half of the world’s total wealth is now in the hands of 1% of the population. In ten more years, it’s predicted to be 2/3. In the context of exactly zero political philosophies does this situation lead to a free and just society. It’s why Thomas Jefferson wanted us to be a little d, little r, democratic republic of agrarian farmers.

The path from partial to total annihilation of our ability to feed ourselves well is paved with exploitation — of people, of land, of animals and ecosystems — but we line that path ourselves with the stones of convenience, irreverence, disconnectedness and food taken out of its ecological context. I will not ever condone violence, but it is quite logically and the historically confirmed reaction to disenfranchisement and an inability of individuals to be heard, and the nearly inevitable conclusion of lack of agency in one’s own life. Our primary agency in our own life is how we, and whether we can, feed ourselves.

The way we eat has the capability to sequester carbon, end droughts, reverse desertification, prevent floods and give our children a living future, connected to place, in harmony with their neighbors, free of degenerative diseases and ready to transform our destruction into regeneration. Nothing less is on the table.

It’s going to take all of us, working across socio-economic, political, class, rural/urban and every other “otherness” we can contrive, to turn this thing around. And for our farm, it starts by not separating milk from its biological context. If you are going to buy our raw pet milk, we are going to ask you, in some way or another, to economically participate in the wholeness which goes into producing it.

Dr. Hubert Karreman with a Jersey cow and baby at Reverence Farms in Saxapahaw NC Farming

Love & the cow-ness of cows

  • May 13, 2020May 21, 2020
  • by Suzanne Nelson Karreman

This is Autumn. She wasn’t our cow. Hue and I were trying to help her over the weekend, but unfortunately she likely had a serious metabolic issue and she died the next night, 5 min before Hue showed up to see if he could help her again. I’m sharing this photo because there is a cow-ness that transcends ownership or time or county lines. Her owner took this picture while I was praying for her, unaware. It captures all the love I have for bovines, and all her regalness, even as she was struggling to breathe.

When we got the call that the cow was in trouble, it was at the end of an exceedingly long day. Hue had been spreading compost on a bumpy tractor, and I had literally just finished moving about 100 50-lb boxes, three times, in tight spaces, on slick floors, in places that it was impossible to “use my knees and not my back.” Yet, a cow who we knew because we have leased bulls to breed this herd, needed help. There are precious few bovine vets left in the countryside, and I happen to be married to one. The cow was going to die immediately if we didn’t go, so we went. I wasn’t really needed, except I didn’t want Hue to have to drive back an hour alone at midnight along windy country roads.

Hue is no longer in practice, after what he calls his Luke 5:11 moment when he realized that being a bovine vet was no longer an essential part of his identity, after being full-on in it for 20+ years. In what seems like an absolute dream-come-true, every day, he and I now farm together, and Hue spends most of his days doing land restoration and improving soil fertility to grow nutrient-dense forage for our cows and sheep. (I credit a sheep — by giving him one long look in the eyes on his first weekend down from Pennsylvania — for convincing him that he could leave his practice and hometown behind to come to NC to farm with me.) All of that means that Hue couldn’t charge the cow’s owner for the travel, time or medicine. And that wasn’t really the point.

The point to me was that he didn’t hesitate, knowing he was in for a long, physically exhausting evening. Pushing around a 1200-lb cow (to get her in a position to treat her, and to entice her to get up) isn’t light work, and he did most of it because he’s by far the most skilled at it. Moving an animal that large without hurting her is as much an art as brute force.

(On his way home the second night our truck was side-swiped and we lost the driver’s mirror. I mention this because goodness is always opposed in a fallen world. The last time we decided to help a cow we didn’t really know, the horses in the same pasture chewed on the passenger side of the truck and took the paint off down to the metal. There’s a good chance if you are facing difficulties on your path, you may be on the right one. Keep going.)

This same week Hue also was the one to put our beloved 14yo Great Pyrenees Eva to rest, nightly gave acupuncture to a lamb with an unknown leg issue, and went out after dinner every night (as he has for months) to give Andy (our GP recovering from getting hit by a car) his medicine and supplements. I’m sure there were other veterinary issues on the farm last week that I’m forgetting, or that I didn’t hear about. With hundreds of animals, at any given time one of them has probably found a piece of barbed wire, or gotten something somewhere that doesn’t belong, or, even as I write this, needing a minor surgery for an uncomfortable wart on her side. Hue likes to relay that compared to years in veterinary practice, our animals stand out because they are just well, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues. And animals rarely have issues at convenient times when you are well-rested.

Yet, in the midst of all of that last week, there were flowers on the windowsill when I got home one day, picked one by one from a field of grass. Because Dr. K knows that I love wildflowers on the windowsill.

And yes, that’s what I call him most of the time. It’s a term of endearment, and an ode to how I met him, at an ACRES USA conference in December 2015. He was the speaker, and I was in the front row. We were married five months later, four years ago today.

I fell in love with him the moment that I saw him trail off in the middle of the talk, looking briefly off to the left, transported to a place that he chose not speak about in front of an audience wanting to learn about natural livestock treatments, his specialty. I knew, right then, that there was more to him than the wholistic treatment of dairy cattle.

C.S. Lewis describes it this way:

Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it — tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest — if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself — you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say “Here at last is the thing I was made for.” We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all. (Lewis, The Problem of Pain)

In The Meaning of Marriage, Thomas Keller says that “everyone has something that moves them so that they long for heaven…. Sometimes you will meet a person who so shares the same mythos thread with you that he or she becomes part of the thread itself. That is very hard to describe, obviously.”

Indeed it is. Despite outward appearances, that thread between Hue and me is not cows, although it is embodied in them. It is felt in the moments when cows graze, the ripping of the grass by their soft lips en mass like the roaring of the ocean. The quiet rumination of one cow chewing her cud. The low utterance, not quite a moo, of a mama cooing to her still-wet calf. But it isn’t really cows, after all.

It is this deep, un-needing to be reconciled knowing that we share. We tried to come up with a phrase to describe it the other morning over tea: pneuma-agro-ecology. Pneuma meaning “breath, Holy Spirit,” the formless vapor that ties everything together.

It’s much better described by the physician Luke, in Acts: “For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’”

For Hue, this thread was the simple act of me reaching my hand back as we crossed a busy street together for the first time, and I said, “Are you coming along?” The same words he unknowingly spoke to me the other night, before we went to treat Autumn the cow. “I’m going. Are you coming along?”

Yes, with you, forever. Happy anniversary, Dr. K.

Credit for the title of this post goes to my friend Joel and his wonderful book, The Marvelous Pigness of Pigs.

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